it was just the third date

on our third date, i decided it was time to test the waters. i wasn’t going to waste our time. i wanted to see if this was really going somewhere.

so, on our third date, i explained the things i knew to be true about myself. i explained that i am a strange person, with why’s and ideograms and a chart or two, with visual cues and pictures and whatnot.

so, on our third date, i revealed just how crazy i was.

i couldn’t hold it in any longer. just the fact that i had this little slideshow prepared on my computer should have been enough of a cue that the truth is, indeed, something fierce, something to be reckoned with. perhaps something to run from with much haste.

i didn’t want to waste my time. i’d spent over a decade with significant others, afraid to put my arms up in the air, afraid to open up my mind and truly let the truth spill out.

so, on our third date, i opened the gates of my lil mind, all over my kitchen floor. she was stunned. i can’t imagine why, it’s not often someone willingly, literally dumps the contents of their brain at your feet. with visual aids, nonetheless.

but this is who i am. i blow up my mind and sift through the wreckage, deciphering how it is built, the structures that make it stand, the engines that make it go. associative thought is my gauge, my weapon, my tool.

i am a very strange person. i was the life of the party once, but now i have retreated inward somewhat. content to navigate the high seas of my mind, to tread water in the backrooms and hidden passageways of my mind. i care not much to fit in. i am only concerned with the truth, really. with finding it, unearthing it, and expressing it, until there is nothing left but a skeleton.

barebones and malleable, i will slip into permanence without so much as a banner of fanfare.

except, maybe for her.

you see, on our third date, she listened. she did her best to swallow the various pills i was handing her. she stayed.

she listened and she stayed. she was unafraid of my obvious madness. she later expressed that she was a little nervous, never having experienced such an act. but she stayed.

i’m not going to waste my time with people or activities that would seek to stifle the truth. if that makes me strange, so be it. i am mad, i am aware. so is my wife. she withstood the brunt of it when we were not even together yet.

the first anniversary of our marriage was yesterday.

sometimes, in some places of this world, it works to speak the truth, even at inopportune times. i want that sometimes to be always. i gambled the love of my life on it. what else will i not do?