imbalance or learning curve?

were you fearful, the first time it happened? a walk down the street, unattended. standing in a crowded room. walking in front of supposed prying eyes. you might have been fearful, but you survived that first travail. you survived. you learned. you moved on.

you moved on.

or maybe you didn’t. for a great part of my life, i was unable. they call it social anxiety with a dash of paranoia. i think it’s cute to think of it as a chemical imbalance. i prefer to think of the miscues of conscious meanderings. i like to think of it as being a passenger in a car with no driver.

i consider it to be a learning issue. most people take one or two functionary actions before the fear is dissipated, they are convinced that no, they will not, in fact, actually die from standing up and walking across a crowded room, and continue on with their lives. i was never fully convinced of that.

there was just some innate fear there. well, fear is innate, yes. overcoming fear is life. overcoming fear is a learning process. one foot in front of the other. well, what if the functional memory aspect of experience is disabled for some reason? what if it’s literally impossible to remember that i will not, in fact, actually die from standing in front of a group of people, or even walking past or among them. their eyes will see me, they’ll see me and then i’ll die.

if the experiential unit is intact, but the the functional memory aspect is faulty, i will recall performing the act before, but i simply won’t remember that i survived the first time i did this. i simply won’t remember that i survived the last time i did this and all the times in between.

i simply don’t remember. assumption is a rampant enemy. fear and paranoia breed contempt for logic. if i can’t remember that i survived, surely i must have been maimed and scarred and some other type horrific event.

i simply don’t remember.

every day life is a series of obstacles for the socially anxious. crowds, elevators, small talk, basically interactions and pseudo interactions with people outside the inner circle. coming home from work is like a huge sigh of relief for the most part, having survived the minefield of “brand new” experiences. there is, however, a path to wash away the memory loss.

just jump.

find the biggest gottamn building you can find and jump off, into the fray of supposed enemies. embrace the unsolved mystery of newfound non remembrance. if every single moment must be new, if every single moment must be forgotten, embrace the downest, dirtiest connotation of that moment and just jump with it. don’t assume that the scarring and the torture is inevitable. assume that you have no idea what is going to happen and embrace it.

assume that you have no idea what is going to happen and embrace it. if i will not learn, i will explode every moment, one moment at a time. if i cannot learn, i will not concern myself with consequence.

i will jump, unabashedly.